Messy Seeds, Messy Life

The ground is thawing, snow is melting and the porch is a mess with seed casings from the birds. A messy scene. Just like my life right now.

Well maybe not messy life, maybe it’s just that my emotions are a mess. My husband’s been in the hospital since Feb. 3, a downhill slide health wise. First, congested heart failure, his tongue and throat swelling, then fluid in his lungs and delirium. Yesterday we are told his baseline health wise is so low if he can’t get nutrition he has 1-2 weeks to live. Maybe up to 6 months. It’s gut wrenching seeing him lying there, sometimes aware of us, and talking, other times sleeping or lethargic or mumbling with delirium. His kidney doctor is more hopeful if we can get him to swallow, maybe he can get meds to ease my husband’s delirium he feels is caused by some of his meds. Up and down a roller coaster ride of uncertainty.

I’ve been at the hospital every day except for one when I was fighting vertigo. Anxiety the night before and crying for an hour probably caused that. I’ve been reading the book of Matthew in the Bible. Matthew 6 has a lot to say about knowing God walks with you. There are times when I go to sleep, I picture myself climbing up into God’s lap for comfort. I’m claiming God is walking with me through this tough time. For me, and for my sons.

My devotional book and historical novels have this as a theme, God walking with you in times of despair, and trouble. But oh, it hurts, the uncertainty, fear and sadness as I go through this time. My prayer is that God would heal my husband, however he deems it best.

My husband’s words amidst his delirium last night are, “I’m so tired. I hurt all over.”

I lean close, kiss him and say, “I love you.” He echoes it back to me and I leave for the night.

I pray amidst the mess of our emotions that God spreads his blanket of peace over all of us. He cares for each of the birds, and I’m sure he cares for us. I’ll take Jesus’ hand right now, as I wipe the tears from my face.